Help, I’ve been sexually abused and I don’t know how to love me or my body because I have been separating myself from feeling to protect myself……
As a child I was sexually abused by my caregivers, It is probably one of the most nefarious and mind-fucking trauma that anyone can survive because of the depth of woundedness it causes. On~going sexual trauma, which usually touches 1 in 3 families and is usually kept secretly locked in the familial closet and passed on through generation to generation because of it’s shame and lack of understanding how to end the cycle. The resonation for sexual abuse is a strong one thus how it passes and attaches to DNA throughout familial lines.
When a child is touched by sexual abuse it begins to weaken the core of that child. They begin to disconnect from their bodies because it is so difficult to live day to day life with a perpetrator who continually uncovers and hurts the child again .. over and over. Body disconnection is the best way a child can live in that environment. They begin to compartmentalize memories and trauma and keep it separate from their bodies as to not feel and separate from the everyday mind to protect the mind as well. The children of sexual abuse are holding and hiding trauma in their bodies and the toxicity is building year by year. Our bodies and mind are amazing in what they are able to survive. Stuck Trauma will begin to surface and the compartmentalized parts or fractured parts will begin to surface and cause the now adult some issues. The issues usually show themselves as unexplained anger, inability to be able to access why they feel a certain way, shame, blame, issues with sexuality, issues with trust, vulnerability and being able to receive love. A skewed understanding of healthy relationships, healthy interactions, healthy family life. Especially if one is abused by their caregivers ~ because children learn how to be a man, wife, husband, woman, friend, by their caregivers.
When I was in my middle 20’s my compartmentalized system began to fall apart and I was left with memories attempting to surface. I felt like I was being closed in upon and that doom was sure to follow. It was only through deep exploration and allowance for the memories and trauma to surface. I had to trust another human being enough to assist me in integrating all of the splits and compartmentalizations. At that time I did not know that the work I was doing was Soul Retrieval and that Shamanism would pave the way for me to find my authenticity and EMPOWERMENT.
I learned why I did not want to live in my body, or my lower chakras. I lived in all my upper chakra’s and I felt very unsafe to be in any of my lower chakra’s. I did not know what it meant to feel safe or to belong = root chakra. I did not know what healthy sexuality looked like or felt like… I was attracted to men who were abusive and much like my father. I was not in my body during sex and could not feel pleasure nor did I allow myself to connect. I realized that I blamed my femininity for my sexual abuse. I blamed myself. I loathed myself and I hated myself. I often wondered why other children were loved and I was not? Why did I have to go through this? Why was I in a family this dysfunctional. What was wrong with me? I realized that I wanted to protect myself so most of the time I was tough on the exterior and I dressed in loose clothing because I could not stand any sexual attention. I felt like ALL people just used people and that all men would hurt you = sacral chakra. Moving in my personal power was null and void because I had shut down my creativity for fear of rejection and being exposed and vulnerable. = Manipura (power center) chakra. My heart also shut down unable to receive love, fear of vulnerability = heart chakra.
I hated myself. I hated my body. I hated my femininity. I hated my journey……….
When I could admit this truth of my self hatred I began the journey to self love and authenticity I began to understand how energy and trauma work and how they are passed from generation to generation. I saw the reason why sexual abuse affected 1 out of 3 families and how shame and the inability to understand how to heal caused this to stay in the familial closet for generation to generation. I worked to release blame, shame and rejection. I learned how to ground and allow pachamama (mother earth) to become my mother ~ She was someone I could trust. She always held me up and fed me from her womb of goodness and sustenance. I learned to trust and opened up to having healthy people in my life and found a tribe, which is growing every day. Shamanic Journey’s to the lower realm to meet my power animal assisted me in connecting with the animal inside me. The lower chakra’s and I began to feel again….. The deep integration into my sexual chakra. I practiced sacred sexuality and honored myself and my body and became vulnerable to allow a different kind of man ( a safe man) into my sacred dwelling. My power center became alive as I began to create from authenticity. My heart became more open to honor self and to begin receiving. Immersing myself in Goddess Rites of Passage and the understanding of myself and my personal archetype of Priestess brought me to understand and honor and celebrate my divine femininity and Goddesshood and true sistership.
I began to become balanced and healthy within and began walking in true authenticity and EMPOWERMENT.
God or Goddess, you may be reading this and finding that there are answers and hope for your journey and true metamorphosis is possible and attainable for YOU.
Isn’t it time you invested in YourSELF?
Jacqueline Spaargaren, CCSH, CRMT, OLM
Is an Empowerment Journey Life Coach and Teacher and Priestess in Goddess Rites of Passage.
Allow her to join with you on your Life Journey to Authenticity and Empowerment, coming into remembrance and walking in Your Personal Power. Work with Jacqueline one on one via in person sessions in her Chicagoland Studio or via computer for those who are in other states and parts of the world. Jacqueline currently counsels and facilitates healing journey’s for clients in the United States and Abroad.
If I can assist you anyway on your journey it would be an honor and a pleasure to join on your life journey to health, prosperity and abundance and LOVE ~